Capability

       I have this problem where I doubt my abilities and capability I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I’m capable of. I believe that all of us are intended to be able to accomplish or handle things that are far beyond what we think we can. Our potential is limitless. In my opinion, the only thing that hinders that potential (when it feels like the right thing) is ourselves and a false belief system we put on ourselves. 

       This evening I was sitting on my table doing homework with my daughter, thinking about everything that I have on my plate. As I was sitting there, I was feeling overwhelmed telling myself that I don’t think I can handle it all, although I was doing everything, and handling it. In this moment, I was worrying outside of the moment and that is where I get in trouble. For me it is key that I live in the moment and take one thing at a time. For me it is trusting myself, not doubting, and knowing that I’m far more capable than my negative thoughts. Our potential knows no bounds and every time I take on something I feel incapable of, I’m reminded of this.

 -The Flower Fanatic

God Turn it Around

       I was sitting in my car this evening, pondering whether the current endeavor I’m working towards is the right direction. It feels like it’s not going anywhere nor can I see how it will go anywhere.  I don’t want to spend my time doing something that isn’t the right thing. So far it feels good when I pray and I don’t seem to be getting any answers that are telling me otherwise. It also doesn’t feel logical, but I had a wise woman tell me that God often doesn’t work in logic. He works in mysterious ways. I felt impressed to turn on the radio and and the song “God turn it around” written by CHURCH OF THE CITY came on. Hearing these words was the lift I needed and an answer to my prayers.…I would highly recommend listening to it! This was a good reminder for me to trust god and his plan over my own. He can do anything. 

                                                                       “I’m praying, God come

                                                                       And turn this thing around

                                                                       God, turn it around

                                                                       God, turn it around

                                                                       God, turn it around 

                                                                        I’m calling on the name

                                                                        That changes everything, yes

                                                                        God, turn it around

                                                                        God, turn it around

                                                                        God, turn it around

                                                                         All of my hope 

                                                                         Is in the name

                                                                         The name of Jesus

                                                                         Breakthrough will come

                                                                         Come in the name

                                                                         The name of Jesus” 

-The Flower Fanatic

Building a Greenhouse

       A few months ago, I was sitting in my bathtub. I had just bought a bunch of seeds to start growing for my first cutting garden. I had tried to find a spot that would be sufficient for growing seeds, inside, under grow lights. The best spot I could come up with was in my water heater storage room. It would have been so crowded. 

       After realizing I didn’t have any space to grow my seeds, I suggested to my husband that we should build an English-style greenhouse. He was on board and we are in the process. A structure that can last my entire lifetime. The foundation is built of brick and framed with weather lasting wood and glass. 

       I’m loving it completely, but it has been a lot of work. We chose to take this route because In the long run, it would be well worth it. I know for me this relates to my life. I allow myself to be uncomfortable and face things that bring on immense anxiety and uncomfortable feelings. These times are helping me to build a stronger foundation that will bring permanent change and growth. Choosing to endure the pain, rather than avoid or turn to bandaid-type fixes helps me reach a new level of perspective and self-discovery. My foundation is strengthened. After the trial of my faith, which always passes, even if it seems like a long time, brings me unexpected self-love and joy in ways I couldn’t see before. This greenhouse will always be a reminder of that.

-The Flower Fanatic

2.6.22

My Son’s Snoring was Awesome

       Today my family went to my sister-in-law’s parent’s house to hang out and spend time with cousins. My sister-in-law wanted to hang out before they went to her parents and I randomly suggested that we should go to her parents to hang out before they had dinner, so I could see their new addition and kitchen they had been remodeling.  I don’t spend a lot of time with her parents. Maybe every 6 months at random events. They are awesome people, but I totally felt like I was bombarding their nice Sunday get together with my five kids. I felt uncomfortable and anxious, but NEVER allow those feelings to keep me from doing things.

       This was one of those days that I didn’t do well with my social anxiety. I’m still figuring out how to allow myself to be okay with being uncomfortable without it turning into anxiety. Why do I expect to be fully comfortable with people I don’t know very well?

       On the other hand, as I was sitting on the couch feeling frustrated for being so anxious, I looked over to see my son snoring on the couch. This was an affirmation to one of my greatest hopes in life. I don’t want my kids to struggle with anxiety like I have. I want them to feel comfortable with themselves, to know their worth, and to have calm minds. He had never been to this house before, he didn’t know the parents and yet he was there, sleeping on the couch, SNORING. That was an awesome moment for me. I must be doing something right. 

-The Flower Fanatic

2.5.22

Wisdom and Order

       I have this problem that I can do over and over again! I get so frustrated because I know that I shouldn’t do it and I do it anyway! I have a hard time finding balance in life with realistic expectations. Although I think I’m a little better at it, I can fall into the same trap of overdoing it, putting too much pressure on myself, focusing on one thing all day and not attending to other things that need my attention. I can start to feel out of control, imbalanced, and it often results in burnout. 

       There can be so many demands in life. I’m trying to juggle being a mom of five kids, starting a business, growing a blog, helping my kids with sports, serving in my church and the list goes on. Each time I fall into burnout mode, I learn something new. I’m sure I’m not alone, right? First, it sucks feeling that way. It makes me feel down and less confident in all areas of my life. Going faster than I have strength doesn’t provide greater results. I’m realizing that on some days, I will have to set my business goals aside and focus on serving somebody in need. Another day, playing sports with my kids will be my focus. It may change hour to hour. Taking it one day at a time and listening to myself and trusting my instincts is key. 

       Here is a quote that spoke right to my heart  “And see that all these these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.” Mosiah 4:27.  So what you’re saying is… I should probably learn how to grow a cutting flower garden in my backyard for the first time before I grow a cutting garden on three acres? Alright, I guess I will trust that. That seems wise. HAHA. 

-The Flower Fanatic

2.4.22

Freedom from Social Anxiety

       I can struggle with anxiety, at different times, because of uncertainty, fear, self-doubt, and jumping into things that are uncomfortable for me. I know anxiety is a part of the human experience and we all experience it every now and then. 

       Social Anxiety is something I hate. I remember feeling my first episodes in junior high. For me, it zaps the joy out of social gatherings and makes me feel incredibly unlovable and insecure. I’m no longer living in reality, at that point. Sometimes I choose freedom in social settings and allow myself to be confident and sometimes I don’t. I can’t seem to quite understand why one hangout can go great for me and the next, not so much. It’s frustrating. It’s hard to break addictive habits. It can cause self-hate to give others control about how I feel about myself, but I do it anyway!

       I had numerous people come over today, unexpectedly, throughout the whole day. Lots of neighborhood kids, family, friends, and acquaintances. Today, I felt freedom and was free from social anxiety. It was amazing to be around so many people with feelings of love. These moments are so joyful and what I know life should feel like. I’m not meant to be crippled with social anxiety. I often forget that I deserve to be happy and confident. Days like this remind me that it is possible. Outside forces didn’t choose this. I did. My biggest obstacle is knowing that it can last, instead of reverting back to finding comfort in my anxiety, even though it’s miserable.

-The Flower Fanatic

2.3.22

Lean not on my own understanding

      Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

       Boy, did I need to hear the above verse. I have been feeling in limbo lately, as though I’m up in space circling around with uncertainty. It’s hard for to me to “lean not on my own understanding” and trust the Lord with all my heart. I also know it’s part of being human. It’s humbling to know that my wisdom is nothing compared to God’s wisdom.

      I believe God has a plan for me and will direct my paths in a way that will be best for me. I can imagine God is looking down at me sometimes, wondering why I’m complicating things that are often much more simple. All I have to do is trust him and get out of my own way.

-The Flower Fanatic

2.2.22

Today is my Birthday

     Today is my birthday and it also happens to fall on Groundhog Day. If only my birthday repeated itself over and over again, like the movie. Haha. A lot of people reached out to me to say happy birthday. I felt loved and was quite surprised with how many people remembered and cared. It was a wonderful day.

     I learned a lot today. I was reminded that I am loved in ways I don’t always recognize. I for one, admire and look up to so many people. People that have no idea I feel this way about them. Sometimes it takes a birthday to express or receive the feelings that were there all along.

-The Flower Fanatic

2.1.22

My friend’s phone call

       Today I woke up feeling a bit melancholy. I’m not quite sure why I wake up feeling the way I do sometimes. I felt like I needed to call my friend Jessi. Right as I was about to call her, she called me. She is an ambitious woman. She starts businesses, goes for it, and succeeds.

      She went on to tell me about how she is opening a storefront with her business. I was feeling so inspired by her ambition and success. Before she called, I was feeling disheartened with the lack of success in my current endeavors. She got me feeling hopeful again. If she could do it, so could I. I started to be more compassionate with myself. I know it takes time and diligence to succeed. I reminded myself it has taken her years to get where she is at.

      Life can be funny. This simple phone call from my friend was just what I needed. Thanks friend, for being inspired to call me.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.31.22

The Savior knows your Pain

       Life is hard. It can challenge us in ways that are unexpected. Covid is a perfect example of that. It definitely has affected me more than I would have thought. Never in a million years did I think our world would change so drastically because of a virus. 

       This is one example of the challenge of life. Pain is part of the mortal experience. It manifests in each of us differently. I find it so comforting to have the knowledge that my Savior has suffered every type of pain that I can experience in mortality, pain that goes beyond comprehension. He knows how to succor me and help me handle the pain I have in my life. I know as I pray for help, with faith, He can help bear the burdens, whatever they may be, and make them lighter. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.30.22

The Lavender Hedge SAGA: Part 3

       I have a lavender hedge in my yard that I have moved three times. It has 23 lavender plants. The first year I planted it, I didn’t know that you were supposed to cut them down every year to prevent it from becoming woody and unsightly. I freaked out because my perfectionistic side wanted my lavender to be at its prime and reach its full potential. So I basically got rid of all 23 lavender plants. I know this was overkill and I’m sure it would be fine, but this is a prime example of where my obsessive side took over and extinguished all reason. 

       The second time I planted the lavender, (before I realized how much lavender thrives in my climate) I planted according to the label and spaced them only 18 inched apart. The Hidcote variety I planted grows about 3 feet wide and 2 feet tall here, so I needed to replant them and give more space between them, thus allowing a bigger and more beautiful hedge. 

       The third time was finally the charm. I’m pretty sure every neighbor was wondering what was wrong with me at this point. This time I brought the lavender out three feet for a bigger flower bed and spaced them 30 inches apart. So I moved 23 plants three different times in three years. Totally normal. 🙄 

       I learned a lot about myself and lavender, haha. Anyway, no matter what the scenario is, being in the yard, digging, and using my creativity makes me feel so alive and present…whether it makes sense or not. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.29.22

My First Cutting Garden

       This year I am planting my very first cutting garden. I CANNOT wait. I call myself the flower fanatic and a cutting garden is going to satisfy my crazy flower addiction. Seeing rows and rows of flowers bring me more joy and satisfaction than I can describe. 

       Right now, I’m dreaming of what it’s going to look like when it’s in full bloom and I have endless flowers that I will be able to cut and bring inside. At the the same time, I have to remind myself that with it will come frustrations, a lot of work, many weeds, water issues, and everything else that may come with my first time growing a cutting garden. It’s not going to be perfect. I will grow seeds that will thrive and some that won’t. 

       I tend to have expectations that are way too high and can take the fun out of things, so I’m reminding myself to enjoy the process, the successes, and learn from the failures. Hopefully it will exceed my expectations! 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.28.22

Grateful for a Migraine

       Three nights ago I was hit with a severe migraine. I hadn’t had one in awhile and it hit me out of nowhere. I’m not sure why I got one. I know I was incredibly tired and I had been skipping meals more than usual and maybe a bit dehydrated.

       I was in the car driving to my sons junior high basketball game and I told my husband…”Uh Oh, I think I’m getting a migraine!” This is scary because I knew the pain. It’s a distinct pain and throwing up was going to be coming soon. Anyway, I walked into my sons gym hoping I would be lucky and that I was wrong. 

       Right as I walked in, my son’s best friend’s mom was coming down from the bleachers in my direction. About three months prior, something had happened in our relationship that had made it awkward and distant. This had been bothering me and we didn’t really talk. I felt bad. 

       As she approached, I said hi to her and she said hi to me. I told her I was getting a migraine. She told me she had some migraine medicine. She ran to her car and brought some in for me. In this moment, I felt connected again. I was so grateful that she would go do this for me and it took all the awkwardness away. Although, the medicine didn’t work, and I was in pain for the next 8 hours, it helped relieve some tension between the two of us, that I didn’t realize was bothering me so much. I know this wasn’t a coincidence and now I can say I was grateful for this migraine. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.27.22

Oh Biolage, you smell so good!

       The other day I was hanging out with some family. As I was sitting on the couch, I noticed how amazing my sister in laws hair smelled. It was so good that, weirdly, I put my face into her hair, and sniffed deeply. Yikes. This was the first thing in 4 months that smelled amazing to me. (Fallout from a bad bout of Covid that left me with distorted sense of smell 4 months later. Many things smell chemical or moldy.)

       It was her shampoo, Biolage. This simple luxury of finally smelling something good brings me so much joy. I have never appreciated my sense of smell like this before. I immediately bought the shampoo online, and I know when everything else is smelling terrible I can go to my bath, use this amazing shampoo and find joy in it’s delightful smell. Oh Biolage, you smell so good!

-The Flower Fanatic

1.26.22

Bean Boozled Jelly Beans

       Lately my distorted sense of smell has been pretty bad. Today I went to Chuck-a-Rama (a local buffet) with my kids and hubby for my daughter’s birthday. She loves the all-you-can-eat sugar. Haha. Anyway, this restaurant smelled particularly bad to me, bad enough it was making me nauseous. I have to remind myself it doesn’t smell like this, its just me. 

       Anyway, I was trying to find things to eat. Right now eating reminds me of the bean boozled jelly beans game. You never know what you’re going to get. It might taste good, or it might taste terrible, with different disgusting flavors. I started eating things. The ham, drumstick, honeydew melon, and diet coke were all awful! Some taste like blood or rotten, and many have this weird moldy chemical thing going on. At this point, I had a little breakdown. I actually started to cry a bit in the restaurant and got myself together. I told my husband, “I can’t live off of only bread and sugar.” I was being a bit dramatic, of course I can live off of those things. There are a ton of people that have a hard time finding anything to eat in the world. 

       There is always a silver lining. I didn’t realize how much I took my sense of smell and taste for granted before covid. Before my senses were whacked, I didn’t enjoy condensed tomato soup but, today I’m so grateful that it tastes wonderful without any sort of tainted flavors. I’m grateful for bread and sugar that tastes good. I can actually taste it again. I’m grateful that I’m learning I can go without things and still deal with it and choose the more positive attitude. I know that if my senses ever come back to normal, I will have a greater appreciation for them. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.25.22

Peonies

       You are strong like a Peony. Peonies, when first planted, appear to be weak. Underneath, hidden below the ground, a strong root system is developing. Year after year, it survives the harsh winter and develops into a plant full of abundant breathtaking blossoms. It takes time for it to develop, but once it becomes mature, it has permanent growth that will bring joy for years to come.

Storms of life always come and when they do think of this peony. Your root system is getting stronger and more resilient. What once felt like a challenging time of life will become a season of joy and greater light. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.24.22

Shout Out to Nature

       My husband and I are working on a beautiful English-style greenhouse. It’s a pretty extensive project, requiring a lot of work, but has been a lot of fun. It’s coming out beautifully especially the brick that has so much character. I can’t wait to grow seeds in a few weeks in this beautiful structure. 

       It’s been an enlightening project. In the past I’m typically inside waiting for spring to come, to get outside again. This year the greenhouse build has forced me to get outside and enjoy nature. It has made this winter so much better. Being outside, although cold, has been therapeutic. I hear birds chirping, I get to breathe the fresh air and feel the sun. Although cold, around 35 degrees, getting out has made this winter so much easier.

       This evening I was overcome with the peace that nature provides as I watched the sun setting. It’s hard to explain, but it’s real, and does wonders for my mental health.  I’m so grateful for nature and the greenhouse and overcoming the limiting belief that I have to survive winter until spring comes. Don’t get me wrong, Springtime still is and will always be my favorite time of the year… because of the flowers. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.23..22

Trust God, It’ll all make sense

       I have to say, this last week I felt as though I was trying to control ten things at once and my mind was spinning. I was feeling out of control, overwhelmed, and yearning to feel like myself again. 

       I know when I get like this I just need to talk myself through it, tell myself everything is okay over and over again, and let myself calm down and relax. At this point, I know my brain has become overstimulated from worry, obsessing, overthinking, and trying to control outcomes in the future. Future events I have absolutely no control over. I guess it makes me feel comfortable, but incredibly fearful.

       Today, I decided I would set aside my worries, fears, and control and trust God’s guidance and focus on what was most important today, and let go of the things I thought were important. It’s hard to do this because it means I’m letting go of control. 

       I finally felt like myself this week! God has a way of making things make sense and provides a sense of peace that’s incomprehensible. I felt like I was right where I needed to be and doing exactly what I needed to be doing and around the people I need to be around and serving in the way that I’m needed. Although I can’t fully comprehend everything, I do know God wants me to be happy and He has a plan for me. All I have to do is trust Him… easier said than done. But if I could do it today, I can do it tomorrow. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.22.22

Timing

Sometimes you can be in the right place at the wrong time. Today I had many things on my mind and among them were some responsibilities with my kids. After running around and rushing here and there, I arrived at my daughters soccer game. I was frustrated that I hadn’t planned more accordingly. Despite my efforts, we arrived about 8 minutes late. Dang.

       I wanted to let her coach know that we were running late, so I messaged the team. After getting to the gym, I opened my messages to read the response. “I think you might actually be pretty early, as the game isn’t until next week.” Oh wow. That’s how it is sometimes. You have the right stuff, in the right spot, but the timing is just off.

Sometimes it really seems like everything makes sense, just the way it is, and then a major piece of the plan doesn’t come together as you hoped. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. Right now I’m wanting Spring, I’m wanting sunshine, I’m wanting progress… but everything will come in time. I have to realize that many aspects of life are outside of my control and that sometimes things just plain happen when they are supposed to, despite what I think. On the bright side, I was early for once… 7 days early. 😄

-The Flower Fanatic

1.21.22

Everything Tastes like Mold

       Recently I developed this odd symptom from covid called Parosmia, 4 months into my recovery. My nerves are starting to heal I guess and they are confused, and so I am. It is so WEIRD and I’m talking about it a lot because eating is very important to me and talking about it is a way for me to try to figure it out. It’s baffling and I hope it will go away at some point. I have hope.

       Anyway, I have noticed that sugary stuff and treats taste just fine. If anyone knows me they know I’m a sugar head and I have been baking a lot and coming up with new recipes to share with others. It’s actually a more important time for me to have sugar taste accurate. I could see this as fortunate and lucky, but I choose to see it as a tender mercy from God. Another reminder that He is aware of me. He also knows how much I love sugar, even though it’s not the healthiest thing to eat. I still need to practice moderation. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.20.22

Whatever…. i’m growing.

       I was talking to my good friend (and sister in law) yesterday. We were talking about life and its struggles, at times. I was trying to figure everything about life, haha. That’s a hard task and logically not possible, but I like to think I can figure everything out anyway. 

       Anyway, I just remember yelling out “whatever….I’m just growing!” She burst out laughing which I didn’t expect. I appreciated her laughter. She began to say “that saying should be some sort of car sticker.” Don’t we all need that reminder sometimes and lighten up. I can take myself way too seriously. This simple statement and my friends laughter was a reminder of that. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.19.22

Experiencing a Wide Range of Emotions

       Every Friday my daughter gets a weekly communication letter from her teacher. She is in kindergarten. At the bottom right corner of the page there is a part that asks how she felt about school this week. Here’s a picture of it.

       These faces taught me a lesson. I sometimes forget to allow myself to feel a wide range of emotions without judgement. I can judge my negative emotions instead validating and feeling them. Having many different emotions (especially the negative ones)  is an inevitable part of the human experience.  My five year old allows herself to experience an incredible range of emotions throughout the day, doesn’t judge herself, and moves on. She hasn’t put limits on how she should feel and because of it, she is a confident and self-accepting girl who feels without questioning.  

-The Flower Fanatic

1.18.22

Amaryllis Blooms

       I planted some amaryllis bulbs indoors about 10 weeks ago. This was my first time planting them. I read a lot about how to grow them and the steps to take, but wasn’t quite sure what to expect. There is nothing quite like experiencing the process on your own to gain confidence and a deeper understanding of what does or doesn’t work.

       Anyway, I must have checked on these bulbs 2 or 3 times a day. Obsessing a bit (that may be an understatement), hoping I was treating them properly by giving them the right sunlight and water requirements. I wanted them to succeed so badly. I was driving myself crazy, but it was also fun to have some plants to take care of, indoors. 

       Watching the process was incredible. Seeing these bulbs start from a brown bulb, then slowly  sprouting with some green growth, gradually the leaves start to form, and the bud emerges on a stem that begins to get taller each day until its just over two and a half feet tall. Finally, the bud begins to open. This part is exciting because you know that soon the blossom is going to shine through. 

       Sure enough the flowers opened and were massive. Way bigger than I would have imagined and so breathtaking! The bud seemed small and I would have never guessed it could produce the number and size of flowers that emerged. Incredibly fascinating. It has brought me more joy and beauty than I could have predicted. Quite miraculous, in my mind.

        It reminds me of myself, at times. I can’t always recognize or measure my growth with clarity when I am in the middle of it. It can feel slow, I can be impatient, and I’m not sure if I’m even growing in the ways that I should. But, like this amaryllis it is happening and eventually the buds that I was nurturing develop into mature and beautiful flowers…that were well worth the wait and things that felt impossible become possible. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.17.22

Our Reactions are Powerful

       The last couple of days I have been staying up late, traveling, and thinking a lot! It’s definitely been a year of growth and changes. 

       Yesterday, I went to visit my family about an hour and a half away. We decided to head back home at 12:30 a.m. I know, it’s super late with our five kids. I was painfully tired before the drive started and I knew I wasn’t going to sleep on the way home. I get worried that my husband is going to fall asleep while driving. 

       Today, I went to the gym to play basketball with the kids and my hubby and I felt weird! I was out of it, mentally, and my body was exhausted. At this point, I felt a bit depersonalized from the world around me. I felt like I was in a dream. 

       Although, it was uncomfortable and I did not like it, I am proud of myself for not overreacting to the feelings. I knew it was because I was incredibly exhausted and so I left it at that. I could have fueled the fire and made it worse, but instead I allowed myself to experience the feelings and told myself it would pass. It didn’t stay very long. Our reactions our powerful, so choose wisely. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.16.22

Change can be Confusing

       Last night I went to visit my parents, sisters, brother-in-laws, nephews, and nieces etc. I don’t want to leave anyone out because I’m always excited to see each of them. They live about an hour and half away. Most of them live in close proximity with each other. I don’t talk to them on the phone except for my twin sister and I can go along time without hearing from any of them. Before moving away, I would stay connected by living there and through weekly Sunday dinners at my Grandma’s house. 

       Anyway, ever since I moved away, I get confused with where I fit in, with a lot of them, when I visit.  The dynamic has changed for me and I get confused. I love seeing them, but being the only sibling who visits sporadically and doesn’t go to Sunday dinner every week, leaves me out of the loop and feeling relatively disconnected. It’s a situation that is hard for me to understand and I’m sure I’m not alone. I guess it’s all part of the process of growing up and realizing that no matter the situation you are in or where that location is, you can find your own safety and happiness because it comes from within. Home is where the Stephanie is… HAHA. 😀

-The Flower Fanatic

1.15.22

Motherhood and Yelling

       Being a mom challenges my patience and I often fail. In my house, I have learned that being nice and patience with my requests often doesn’t work, or at least it can fall on deaf ears. Today was no exception. My kids seemed to be especially unresponsive today. I will start out by asking them to do things politely and calmly for the first 3-5 times and receive no response. When I have nice tones and I am practicing patience, things rarely get done. They love to test my patience, it seems.

       When I start to get worked up and yell they will start to do the things I ask. I don’t want to yell, I actually hate it, but they teach me at times that being calm and collected often doesn’t work. It makes me feel a little bit validated in my yelling, although I know deep down yelling is never the answer. I have to remind myself that kids are kids, and to be kind with myself when I feel like I am being far from a perfect mother. I know the love I give trumps the yelling and imperfection.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.14.22

Life is Meant to be Hard

       I was talking to my sister-in-law the other day. She is one of the most emotionally resilient people I know. She has had many trials that many would often think unfair and too much to endure. I’m even guilty of wondering why she has been dealt so many trials, one after another.

      She came over to my house the other day and we were talking. She started telling me about how people come up and talk to her about how she has so many hard things happen to her and somewhere along the lines of how I don’t know how you handle it all. I, for one, have thought this same way regarding her trials. 

       I’ll try to restate what she said, to the best of my memory. Basically, her response to that was “isn’t this life? Life is meant to be hard. It’s just part of life.” I was so intrigued by her answer. Her perspective of life. I believed what she was saying. Playing a victim wasn’t part of her vocabulary. 

       I’ve thought about this more deeply the past couple of days. I feel like if you take this kind of approach to hard trials, it’s easier to expect them and keep yourself from getting into a state of depression, anxiety, or victim playing by understanding that it’s part of the life experience and that trials will always be here because it’s necessary for our growth. I know I see this life with tunnel vision, compared to God, and He has a plan that exceeds far beyond this life.  These trials will seem but a small moment. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.13.22

Satisfaction

Do you believe that you can find satisfaction in any given moment? I do. I believe that gratitude and satisfaction share a similar connection. This connection is that both are a state of mind. Gratitude has a healing property and can calm an unsettled mind. It’s done that for me, time and time again.

Satisfaction can be something that is always in the future. Tied to a new accomplishment, achieving a goal, or arriving at some point in life, signaling success. Then satisfaction should certainly follow. I believe differently. I believe that every day, at any given time, if you look hard enough, you can find satisfaction. Sometimes the smallest moments can provide some of the greatest satisfaction. If we allow our minds to calm, and to see more clearly, we can enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.12.22

God’s Timing Is Perfect

       I was on my way to a volleyball game, today. I play with a bunch of ladies and it’s a time for me to be alone, have a break from my kids, and to let go of all my worries in life. For me, playing sports is a stress outlet and is always one form of self-care. I often forget how much I need this “me time” until I do it and I feel rejuvenated and more at peace with myself as a result. A little bit goes a LONG way!

       Anyway on my drive to the gym, I was listening to my favorite Christian radio station. It’s uplifting and sends wonderful messages of hope. As I was listening, one of the hosts was talking about God and how his timing is perfect! This really struck me and I contemplated it. God’s timing is perfect?? 

       I’m living in a state of different unknowns at the moment and I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. I’m taking risks that have no immediate rewards. There are people all around me that are dealing with things that require us to wait, until some future time, without having any idea what is going to happen. This can be scary, stressful, unsettling, exciting, faith building, frustrating, excruciating, challenging, nerve-racking, heartbreaking, and the list goes on. 

       The reassurance that God sees time very differently than me, brought so much comfort and peace to my soul. It helped me feel more calm about the situation I am in. I have been incredibly concerned about time and how many months I have until this certain unknown is going to negatively affect our family. I know God sees time differently than I do.  His timing is perfect and He is aware of me and our family and ALWAYS wants the best for us. My goal tomorrow is to practice letting go of my concern with time and trust that God’s timing is perfect.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.11.22

Creating

Today I used some creativity and effort to begin creating something new. I’ve not built many structures, and this next one will be the largest undertaking of my building career. It’s been a fun, challenging and exciting process to learn and apply a new skill. Creating is not really a talent that I’ve spent much time developing, until recently. Getting in-touch with my creative side is freeing. I remind myself that there is no wrong way when you are using your imagination, no strict rules to follow.

When you make something of your own design, you develop a healthy sense of pride in the final product. As mine unfolds I was thinking about my other little creations. I played a special role in the creation of our five beautiful children. Seeing them grow and develop brings me indescribable joy! It’s no doubt similar to God’s feeling toward each of us, as we grow and develop into what He intends for each of us. It’s a good feeling. I’m going to keep creating. Who knows what I’m capable of doing next…

-The Flower Fanatic

1.10.22

Anxiety vs Excitement

       For awhile now I have struggled to allow myself to be excited. The other day I woke up feeling full of emotions about a lot of new and exciting things happening in my life. For about 5 minutes I felt excited and was on a natural high. Immediately, I started to think about these feelings, how happy I was feeling and I began to get uncomfortable with it. I then started to associate the excitement feelings as anxiety. Can you relate? It’s very unsettling. 

       Everyday, I’m served the opportunity to feel excited and most of the time I choose to see it as anxiety. To me choosing anxiety is a way to try and control and live in a resistance mindset. Choosing excitement means I’m allowing myself to feel good, letting go of control, and jumping into the unknown with trust and positivity. A feeling I have come to forget. What is incredibly frustrating for me in this situation is that I often choose anxiety although it doesn’t change the situation. I’m not controlling anything, but my mind believes I am! It just makes me feel bad, rather just choosing excitement which makes me feel good. 

      They are just feelings! I know I can retrain my brain to see it as excitement overtime, but that requires me to change. Although it’s possible, it’s hard because it requires an incredible amount of faith and courage to change and let go of fears. You think you’re controlling by holding onto them. One baby step at a time. I had the courage today to be excited rather than anxious. I will continue to build on that, one step at a time and overtime my brain will forget to see it as anxiety, but as excitement. We all have the ability to do this because God created us and through him and his son anything is possible. They know how to get me there.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.9.22

Feeling Trapped

       Today was a frustrating day because I felt like many of my fears, fears that seem to stay with me and are difficult for me to break, were at the forefront of my mind through most of my day. These fears can feel real and are difficult to let go in these moments. When I’m in these moments, the fear or lies I’m telling myself seem to become truth. Instead of letting go, I resist and this is when I feel completely trapped. I resist jumping into the unknown because the fear is telling me everything isn’t going to be okay. It’s an awful feeling. This is where my control is at its peak. 

       It gets even more difficult when I try to understand where it’s stemming from. Last night, I went out to dinner with some friends. I remember a specific moment where I was sitting there and I thought I’m just going to let go, I’m going to be confident, happy, myself, and not care what people are thinking. I did it for a split second and felt guilty. At that moment, I didn’t give myself permission to value myself, love myself, despite what other people thought…I didn’t think I deserved to be happy. That was hard for me and I felt sad about it.       

      This was a good lesson for me to learn. I was able to go to another social event tonight and I gave myself permission to be happy, confident, positive, and accepting of myself. This is a good place and incredibly freeing. Tonight brought some healing from last night. Sometimes I forget that I am a confident person who deserves happiness. We all do. I know when I am around someone who is loving  and accepting of themself, it makes it easier for me to love myself.  We can spread this type of positivity by helping others feel comfortable and accepted around us… as we give that same loving acceptance to ourselves. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.8.22

Relationships

Relationships can have a major impact on your life, at different stages. Sometimes you have friendships that are so valuable, but end up being fairly brief. These might last months or years. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t value that friend, or even that you no longer love or care about them. Sometimes it’s more like a “season” of life.

Other relationships endure throughout life and can go months or years without contact, only to pickup at some future point as though it never skipped a beat. Each type of relationship has meaning and adds value to our lives.

There is another form of relationship. The type that adds friction to your life and sometimes hurt. These relationships can leave you wondering how to associate with this person. Whether you put more effort into the relationship, to try to nurture it forward, into something better, or to step back and let it dissolve.

I’ve encountered all three of the above and I’m certain there are more of each type in the future. I’ve come to really appreciate the short ones. While they last, they enrich my life and add variety. The enduring relationships I cherish, as a consistent “North Star” throughout life. The last type, I let go. There’s no sense in forcing something that isn’t happening. Let those go, graciously. You never know when a previously shut door might open.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.7.22

Weary Traveler

       This evening I got in my car after practicing basketball with my son. I was super tired and was feeling weary wondering why I have been working so hard in so many areas of my life and not seeing any payoff. Especially in parts of my life that mean so much to me. I know these moments always have a lesson to be learned, but tonight I just started crying. I was letting myself feel this way instead of trying to figure it all out. Right then this song came on from the singer Jordan St. Cyr and these particular lyrics brought peace to my heart:

Weary traveler
Beat down from the storms that you have weathered
Feels like this road just might go on forever
Carry on

You keep on givin'
But every day this world just keeps on takin'
Your tired heart is on the edge of breaking
Carry on

Weary traveler, restless soul
You were never meant to walk this road alone
It'll all be worth it so just hold on
Weary traveler, you won't be weary long

       I’m learning life doesn’t owe me anything and it isn’t fair sometimes. People don’t care about my desires as much as I do. I know my Heavenly Father does though. He knows what’s best for me and He provides me hope and love to remind me I’m not alone. Today God spoke to me through this beautiful song. I would recommend listening to it if you feel weary. It will all be worth it, so just hold on! 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.6.22

Building Character

      I’m learning in life things don’t always go as you plan. I can work super hard and not have the results I had hoped for in many different areas of my life. The saying “hard work pays off” may or may not be how you expect it. For me that unexpected outlook was seeing it as character building. I’m glad I was able to see my hard work in a different perspective because now it doesn’t seem like its all for nothing. 

-The Flower Fanatic

1.5.22

Basketball Continued

       After my journal entry last night I started thinking about basketball. I felt I only talked about the way I struggled with it, but there are many good times with this sport as well.

        Today I went to the gym with my boys and my hubby. The boys are getting old enough now that we can have competitive games. I love playing basketball with my boys and my husband. It’s one of the funnest things we do together and I’m so grateful I have this ability and talent to teach them and play with them. There is something so satisfying about exercising while competing at an intense level. Despite that fact that I’m out of shape. 

       I have learned to have fun while I compete now and I don’t take it so seriously. I’m grateful for the  many hours my dad spent with me, helping me to develop such a talent. Although, it was very serious growing up, I still love playing the game. In life there tends to be the good with the bad. I know that sports aren’t any different and there is a lot of good that has come out of the many hours of practice and devotion put in to developing such a skill that would bring lots of fun throughout my life. It’s always about ATTITUDE.  

       My son may or may not play this year, but he is working hard to develop his skills to get time, developing a talent that will bring him joy throughout his life and life lessons that go beyond playing in a game.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.4.22

Basketball

       I remember at the age of five practicing basketball. Every Saturday I would have to do a 45-minute workout before I could go do other things. Basketball was something I was born into and my dad spent many hours practicing with me and teaching me fundamentals. I eventually received a fully paid four year scholarship to a highly credible D1 University. 

       At a young age, I started to develop the mindset that sports were a very important part of life and that part of succeeding in life is being a good athlete. 

       I remember being burned out before I even went to college, but the pressure I felt to play was immense. I’m not sure I was equipped to handle it. I didn’t make the decision to play because I wanted to, I did it because I didn’t want to let anyone else down and what I thought others wanted. I’m not sure how anybody else felt because I never asked, I made up my own stories in my mind. 

       Anyway, my son is currently on the junior high basketball team. He didn’t get any playing time today. Although, I would love to see him play and have confidence, what’s harder is my childhood feelings about sports. Self-worth issues can resurface, and I have to battle those feelings. I have to remind myself that sports are just a game and they really aren’t as important as I may think they are. I know my feelings have nothing to do with my son and have everything to do with my distorted thought processes I developed about sports as a child. I have come a long way. It’s so interesting how God provides a way to heal from inner demons. For me, one step was my son’s basketball game. If he played and was the star of the show, I wouldn’t have been able to work through some of my negative belief systems about sports. I’m grateful for that. My most favorite part of the game was when he laughed and cheered at the end of the game, even though he didn’t play. He knows that his worth has nothing to do with sports!

-The Flower Fanatic

1.3.22

Being a Twin

       I’m a twin. I would say we are identical, but my mom didn’t get the test to determine for sure. We pretty much look the same. I know I’m not alone in this dilemma.  We both have blonde hair and similar builds, and pretty much the same height. I’m about a half inch taller than her and that’s my claim to fame in the relationship haha. If you knew me and didn’t know her, but saw her in a grocery store or something you would think she is me only to be confused when she didn’t wave back at you. 

       In childhood we did everything together and continued to do so until I met my husband. At one point in college we shared wallets and most everything. Now that I have discovered my own independence outside of her, I can talk about that. It used to embarrass me when people would point that out. I know it’s kind of weird, but also an example of how inseparable we were. 

       Ten years ago I moved away from my hometown into a foreign land, a whopping 80 miles away. The first time I was away from my twin. To say that it was hard for me was an understatement. I was dependent on her and did not realize it until I moved away. 

       Much of my life, leading up to this point, I was referred to as “twin” or “twins” and would get  comments like “ you guys are like the same person.” Moving away I became Stephanie, with my own identity, and I didn’t know who that was. 

       Although my independence has grown immensely and I’m in a healthier place, we are still incredibly close and being a twin is something I don’t take for granted. It is a unique relationship. I trust her and we can talk to each other about anything. I know our relationship is closer than a lot of people and I would even say we have a little bit of telepathy in our feelings. My only regret is not playing more tricks on people when we were younger.  🙂

-The Flower Fanatic

1.2.22

Potential

       I have been thinking quite a bit about potential. There are a lot of different ways to look at potential and we all have our own perspective of what potential means in our own lives. 

       I know that worldly potential can look very different than spiritual potential. I was listening to somebody in my church meeting today who talked about growth and potential. She mentioned God sees potential very differently then we may see it. 

       As I was contemplating her words, it made me think of my father in law. He has a severe case of multiple sclerosis. He has lost his ability to do most things on his own. He is confined to a bed most of the day and is incredibly tired, a tired I can’t begin to understand. I see him as a person who is reaching his potential on this earth. 

       I remember sitting down with him one day and asking him “Do you feel at peace?” He said yes with complete sincerity. He is at peace with himself and his situation. He understands his worth as a child of God and testimony of His Son, Jesus Christ. Anyone who is near him feels his calming light and peace. He serves through his example and gives hope. He demonstrates that no matter what circumstance you’re in, you can have peace and joy.

       I know we all of have limitless potential, as children of God, not as children of men. I know all of us have infinite worth and because we are children of God, we can experience peace and joy that is incomprehensible.

-The Flower Fanatic

1.1.22

We all have something to Give

       I do not quite know what to write in my journal entry today. I do not feel like I have anything to give. I do have a thought that is on my mind and I figured, “why not share it.” 

       I have had a harder day today. I felt as though whatever I might share, it would likely be of little worth to me or anyone else. I know I am probably being hard on myself. Sometimes I feel like I have to be coping well in life and full of hope to provide any useful insight. 

       However, I guess that is what’s on my mind right now. I think we all have something to give, even though we may not feel like we do. It does not always have to be through joy and happy times. We can also share our stories of pain. I would guess that there is a good chance that you could help somebody who may be enduring the same type of pain, without even realizing it. 

       Pain can be good (although I hate it) because it can help us grow and move forward, reaching the potential God sees in us. The kind of potential that we cannot see in ourselves. Our potential is limitless.  I was enlightened with the idea of good vs bad, relating to a spiritual sense. Good is our forward progression, it can be painful, uncomfortable, and often unbearable. God sees this growth as increased goodness and is so proud of us, despite the pain we may be feeling. God sees our efforts, our growth, and our goodness and that WILL not go unnoticed. I am a very different person than I was 10 years ago, for the better, because of my pain. A pain free life would be a stagnant life and to me that seems far worse.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.31.21

Obstacles

       Today my daughter wanted me to judge her singing… again (round two haha). She’s really on a kick with this singing thing and I’m grateful because I’m learning so much from her. 

       As she got up to sing, it turned from singing to dancing. I put on a song…”Fight Song” by Rachel Platten and she started to dance away. As she got more into it, she wanted to run around and do kicks and all sorts of twist and turns. 

       My living room also happened to be a MESS, again! Five kids and a clean house is a daunting task. This provided so many obstacles for her on the dance floor. As she danced around, she moved throughout the obstacles like they weren’t there. She was unfazed by the boxes, snow gear, Christmas boxes, etc. Nothing was going to prevent her from dancing. 

       It made me think of life. There are always going to be obstacles in life. Ones that can be frustrating, discouraging, or even halting. Although small, my daughter worked through these obstacles with the right attitude. She didn’t stop dancing; didn’t throw the boxes with frustration, she adapted to the situation and help incorporate them into her dance. Life can challenge us in so many ways, but we all have the choice with how we deal with it. Once again my daughter taught me an unexpected lesson. One that I hope to practice and follow in the future. It is a new year tomorrow anyway. Happy New Year. Here’s to a fresh start.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.30.21

Freedom over Fear: Avery’s Singing

       Today I went ice fishing for a bit with my husband and three younger children. I was zoned in on a gardening book that I recently purchased. It’s an amazing book and I’m learning so much. Although, I did feel I was missing out on being present with my children. 

       After about an hour and a half of ice fishing, we went home and I immediately started to feel overwhelmed because our house looks like a tornado went through it. I was thinking about how I needed to work on some projects but, I was having a hard time making any decisions because my brain didn’t know what to do or focus on. Finally I moved over to my husband’s comfy chair and sat there for a minute to chill out.

       A moment later, my daughter Avery came over to tell me that I was a judge for her singing (she didn’t ask me.) Haha. I decided right then that nothing else was more important than listening to my daughter sing. I allowed myself to be still and listen to her. I was overcome with so much fulfillment and joy as I watched her sing her first song. She was present, full of peace and confidence. She didn’t care who was around her and didn’t have anything to prove. She was doing it for herself and nobody else. As I watched her, I was present and filled with the same kind of freedom she was living in that moment. True freedom. These feelings often scare me and I resort back to trying to control things. I’m not even sure why they scare me!  This simple moment brought me more joy than any worldly possession, projects, gifts, etc. She is one of the most precious gifts God will ever give to me. 

       For me, freedom is setting aside a fear I’m trying to control and letting it go, even though I have a hard time believing everything will be okay. It’s turning control over to God with trust, and feeling joy and love in the present moment. I’m glad I chose freedom over fear with my daughter and her singing because it was, and will be, one of the happiest memories of my life. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.29.21

Overdoing It and Mental Health

       Over the last month I have been going extremely hard. I wasn’t giving myself a break. I would even tell myself, if you don’t give yourself a break, let your mind calm down, and relax you’re going to have a breakdown from being too exhausted. I wasn’t broken down yet, so it’s easy for me to keep going and going. When I don’t take care of myself, I usually end up paying for it later.

       Sure enough, after many late nights, hardly any relaxation, poor nutrition, and dehydration,  everything came crashing down. This usually manifests in extremely achy legs, a lot of irritability, poor sleep and nightmares, my mind spinning, feelings of loneliness and insecurities, inability to be present, and a lot of negative and anxious feelings. (My poor hubby gets a lot of my wrath from my exhaustion!)

       I also know that when I’m in this state of negativity, the best antidote is getting some rest, mentally and physically. By resetting my thoughts, allowing myself to relax, and focusing on things that are going to make me feel better, I’m able to make some progress. Things like present-moment-living with my children, eating healthy, drinking a lot of water, and taking a break from whatever was causing much of the anxiety are among the specific remedies. In time, it ALWAYS passes! 

       Overdoing it is an easy trap in which I often fall. I also know that if you don’t recognize exhaustion for what it is, it would be easy to get caught up in all the terrible feelings and only make the situation worse. I just need to remind myself that I’m beyond exhausted. My body is warning me with unpleasant feelings that I need to rest and with time I will feel better and think more clearly. I may have failed at overdoing it this time, but I will once again learn from this experience. This is not the first time I have overdone things. It’s almost like I need to write a reminder for myself, and read it everyday, to avoid getting to this point. I sometimes think I’m invincible and I’m quickly reminded that I am not. I’m human just like everybody else. This journal entry is long. I could be overdoing it. Haha.  

-The Flower Fanatic

12.28.21

Let Go and Let God

       I can be a highly sensitive person. To the point that I take on other people’s burdens. I often make their problems my own. This isn’t healthy for me because it makes me feel burdened, stressed out, depressed, overwhelmed and completely out of control. I have been asking myself all day why I do this? I can’t exactly answer the question right now, but I guess the positive is that I recognize it in myself. I know that with effort, I can learn to become a little less sensitive. 

       I know being sensitive is a good thing and being able to empathize is a positive quality, but I also know that I need to learn to balance those two things and not let those attributes negatively impact my  physical and mental wellbeing. 

       Today I was pondering solutions to help me be less sensitive and for something that could help me to combat this unhealthy side of myself. I’m trying to understand the distinction between loving and showing empathy without taking on the burden. The answer came to me in the form of another person. I read a quote from @hankrsmith and the scripture referenced was 2 Chronicles 20:15 which states, “The battle is not yours, but God’s.” This was a reminder to me that in these moments, when people I love are dealt deep trials and burdens, I need to let go and let God be in control. He is aware of these people and knows how to succor them. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.27.21

Opportunity

Today my boys get to go skiing. This is a relatively rare opportunity. To those of you reading from around the world, skiing might be extremely rare. Sometimes what is common can be taken for granted. You often have to hear it from another to realize the opportunities that are unique to you. I never grew up skiing, despite living near some of the best slopes in the world.

I realize its hard to take full advantage of the opportunities placed before us, but I believe it’s important to be aware. It’s healthy to recognize them and especially important to seize those that are meaningful. Some of these opportunities will pass us by, day after day, and you will never know what you are missing until you seize the opportunity. Take inventory of your own circumstances and see what little gems you may have missed. Perhaps they are right under your nose.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.26.21

Perspective

Isn’t it crazy how easily you can settle into way a thinking and remain there for a period of time. When your life lacks change, things can become routine and your thoughts can begin to narrow. Sometimes you narrow so much that you end up thinking often about yourself and your circumstances. Then all of the sudden, your perspective can change in an instant.

Yesterday my husband and I received some difficult news. Since then I have been thinking differently. It’s a reminder of what truly matters. It’s a reminder to let your love for others be shown. Life is precious and shouldn’t be wasted on narrow, self-centered thinking.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.25.21

Christmas

My sister-in-law gave me a beautiful framed painting of Christ yesterday. Today it sits on my mantle. It is a humble reminder of His endless sacrifice and the sacred example of a sinless life. I absolutely love it.

That’s the real gift. God gave us His Only Begotten Son. Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that you can take part in this infinite gift and find the promised Joy that accompanies it.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.24.21

Christmas Eve

Today was a special day. We had the opportunity to get together with family and play some friendly and competitive basketball. It was such a fun experience and it made me realize something. Regardless of your circumstances we always have things to be grateful for. Sometimes that list is long and we easily recognize our many blessings. Other times we can get burdened or distracted and lose sight of all we’ve been given. Today, I’m feeling very aware of God’s love for me. I feel his love through others.

I’m so thankful to have loved ones nearby and have the health to enjoy these moments together. Life is constant change and in this moment, I see the sweetness of present blessings.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.23.21

Christmas Spirit

       Christmas is in a few days and today everything felt overwhelming and busy trying to get ready. I have been enjoying Christmas, but today not so much. I was feeling overwhelmed with all the preparation that needed to be done, the anticipation of getting ready to visit my family, and many other things on my checklist that needed to be done. 

       While feeling overwhelmed, I said to my husband “can Christmas just be over already?” I know this is not a good attitude and it was just a moment, but I was not feeling the Christmas spirit. My kids are home from school and incredibly amped up. It’s hard to match their excitement. I wasn’t in the right state of mind.   

       I cleared my head to think about what could help me. I had all my kids and husband get in the car for a little drive. We were going to drive around and give neighbors and friends some of my homemade canned salsa and freshly made toffee. Spreading some love was enlightening. This made all the difference in my attitude and helped give me what I needed. It was a reminder to me of what Christmas is all about, giving and feeling love through each other. There is no better feeling. I am glad I felt the true spirit of Christmas through this experience. It was really nice to share in this together, as a family.  

-The Flower Fanatic

12.22.21

Habits

       Christmas shopping has been different for me this year, for the better. I have quite a few children I have to shop for and it can be challenging figuring out what to get for each of them. I’m grateful to be in the position where I can buy them things because for many that is not the case. I don’t want to take for granted how fortunate I am.

       In the past, Christmas buying became a situation of overthinking and obsessing to the point of exhaustion and stress. The worry of getting the right gifts and wanting things to be perfect would creep in. I hated feeling this way. I allowed myself to become so stressed it was no longer fun, even though I knew I was bringing it upon myself. 

       Habits are hard to break. It takes understanding myself, knowing how I have behaved in the past, and preparing to behave differently in the future. This year I knew I wasn’t going to allow myself to make Christmas shopping miserable.   

       Here’s an example. I normally buy Sees chocolates for Christmas. This year the line was so long and there were no available parking spots to be had. Instead of falling into my same cycle of forcing myself, waiting in line, overdoing it (which tends to be my personality) I just said “no, I’m going home” and I did. It was hard. I thought I would disappoint people, but I took care of myself. Your habits will always be your habits, so long as you do thing same thing over and over again. These small changes are what break habits overtime. You just have to do it and stop yourself from behaving in the way that makes you feel bad. You have to trust everything will be okay and it usually is. 

       Christmas shopping wasn’t stressful for me this year. It was fun and I was happy and proud of myself. I’m going to continue practicing this new habit because it feels a whole lot better.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.21.21

Breaking Through Barriers

       To me, breaking through barriers is a complicated thought. A barrier for me is something that tries to block me from achieving something that I want or perhaps a fear I’m holding onto because the unknown can be too scary for me to jump into.  It can be subtle and come out of nowhere, or it can be the same fear I tend to avoid and it will always creeps back in until I face it. 

       Anyway, I felt I broke through a small barrier today. I’ve been working hard at accomplishing a goal and I’m not seeing any reward at the moment. My negative anxious thoughts started to creep in telling me I should quit,  that I’m not going to succeed, and that I’m not going to be able to keep this kind of diligence going…and so on. I looked in my bathroom mirror, looked at myself, and said firmly “I’m no quitter and those thoughts of self-doubt aren’t going to keep me from achieving the things I desperately want to achieve.” I felt strong in this moment. My anxiety didn’t win, I did! This was me breaking through a barrier of self-doubt and discouragement. I felt strong and in control and remembered the only person holding me back is myself. 

       I have to remember the growth and confidence that comes from going after goals and that trying to live a dream is rewarding. I was looking at the definition of that word incorrectly. The reward is the journey, not the destination. It truly is the small things each day that bring great rewards. Finding joy in the journey is the key. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.20.21

Am I Good Enough

       Am I good enough? Oftentimes I struggle with this question. I can get caught up in comparing myself to others and it can make me feel less than those around me. It zaps my joy and confidence.  Why do I do this to myself? That is the ultimate question. One that I have a hard time answering and seem to do repeatedly. 

       As I’m sitting here writing to you and thinking about a solution to this problem, many thoughts are running through my head. I know that the only opinion that matters is the way my Father in Heaven views me. He sees me as enough. He created me and loves me. 

       I know I can also get into trouble when I start basing my self-worth on things I accomplish or don’t accomplish or feeling like I have to prove myself to others. This can continue the cycle of never feeling good enough. 

       So what is the answer to my own question? For me I think it’s learning and CHOOSING to stop comparing myself to others. I guess there is no such thing as being good enough. All we can do is really try and learn from our mistakes. I do believe God is cheering me on. If only I could fully see how He sees me, at this moment. The answer to my question: Am I good enough?  Yes, I am, and so are you.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.19.21

Faith and Anxiety

       Whenever I’m felling more anxious than normal, I tend to think that I’m lacking faith. Do any of you ever feel this way? I had this misconstrued perspective that if I’m anxious, I’m not practicing faith. Or that I just need to develop more faith. I know sometimes this is true, but not always.  

       I realized at a deeper level that faith and anxiety many times coexist. I know this may be commonsense for some of you, but for me it was very profound. I consider myself a faithful person, but I can also be anxious. I know that when I’m making a big change in my life or facing an unknown that is terrifying, I’m anxious and scared. In these moments of growth, I can sometimes be hard on myself and wonder why i don’t have enough faith! 

       I learned today by choosing change and facing unknowns, I’m acting with incredible faith. Taking action in this way also brings feelings of anxiety and fear. That’s real faith: bringing on anxiety and growth rather than staying comfortable and unchanged. I know in the end I will be stronger and more resilient. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.18.21

Live and Learn

       About five years ago, when we first moved into our current home, I bought three big Bobo Hydrangeas. I got them from Home Depot, in the dead heat of July.

       It gets about 100 degrees here in the Summer, with basically no humidity. We are considered a desert climate and hydrangeas love humidity. My better instinct was telling me to wait and buy them in the Fall. Then the temperatures would have cooled down and the plants would transplant better. My impatient and instant-gratifying side could not wait and I bought them anyway. 

       What makes this story even more funny is that we were leaving to go on vacation for a week, about the same time I was planting these new hydrangeas. Not ideal, I know.  🙂 I asked a teenage neighbor girl to water them while we were gone. 

       I wondered what they would look like when I got home. I had my doubts. When we arrived home, they were scorched and completely dead. They looked like they had been sitting on the driveway for a month, cooking in the heat. I was shocked. The girl I hired must have sprinkled them once the entire time. I promptly went back to the store and got a few more. At the time, I had a plant-moving obsession. Those new plants were eventually relocated one too many times and met the same fate as the previous ones. I’ve since taken a little break from the Bobo Hydrangea. Pretty funny.

       Maybe this year is the year to try again. They are actually the variety that can grow and thrive here with adequate moisture, appropriate sunlight, and the necessary TLC. Wow, I have learned a lot since then.  

-The Flower Fanatic

12.17.21

Happiness is a Talent

       I’m a good basketball player. I started playing when I was five and put many hours of practice and hard work into developing a skill that became second nature to me. It wasn’t easy at first. I would get frustrated at times, but I kept trying and eventually it became easier.

       This makes me think about happiness. I remember awhile back, while praying, I had a spiritual impression. The spirit impressed on me the idea that happiness can be considered a talent. For me this thought was enlightening. I loved the idea of looking at it this way. 

       I thought about those around me who lean to positivity and happiness. I looked at it as a skill; habits that become a part of who we are.  We all grow up in different environments with different parents and different attitudes. 

       It’s comforting to know that we can all develop the habit of happiness, despite the circumstances of our childhood. If you’re not naturally talented at the Art of Happiness, that’s okay. We can all improve with time. It can be really hard at first, but with much diligence and hard work, it does get easier and eventually you can develop a level of happiness that brings light to those around you.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.16.21

Growth Rate

       Today I woke up feeling discouraged. I have been working  incredibly hard towards something and I’m not seeing very many results. I know I can be impatient and I have to work on it. I don’t expect to see immediate results, but despite that, I was still feeling discouraged.

       As I sat in my car, I was thinking about how I could look at this situation differently. I don’t like feeling this way, although, I know in this circumstance it’s normal to feel this way at times and it’s a way for me to learn and grow. 

       I prayed to my Father above, as I often do, and gave myself some positive feedback. First, I gave  permission to feel discouraged. Second, to tell myself that it’s a process and it takes time, it’s not personal.  Basically, be a tortoise not a hare. That’s a phrase I’m getting very familiar with.  😄 It helps quite a bit. Except for one minor thing, I keeping mixing up the two words “be a hare, not the tortoise,” and I have to correct myself. My brain has a special way of messing up phrases.

       After working on this, I received an answer perfect for me. I’m growing at a rate I can handle. If this endeavor I’m pursuing grew more quickly, it would probably make me freak out and become overwhelmed. I have to grow (which takes time). Personal Growth and growing a business go hand in hand. Slow and Steady wins the race.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.15.21

Christmas

         Today I have been contemplating Christmas and everything surrounding it. I have been enjoying making evergreen garlands, evergreen wreaths, evergreen swags, and so on. 

         Yesterday evening, I brought in some evergreen pine boughs to work on a garland for my fireplace mantle. As I began constructing it, I was suddenly overcome with peace. I sat there for a moment taking in this feeling. This little bit of nature had brought me peace, the same peace I feel outside, working in my yard with flowers. 

         Once again working with God’s creations are a source to feeling His love and peace. For me Christmas is a reminder of our Savior’s birth. Doing all these festive things reminds me of Him and the peace and love He brings. I am grateful that we get to celebrate His perfect life. I know He loves me, and each of you, and because of Him there is always hope.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.14.21

Update on Self-Validation

       For the past three weeks, I have been working diligently on giving myself the validation I need and not relying on others for love and positive feedback. At first, I wanted to resort back to others because it was habitual. Once I began doing this, I told myself to stop looking for others and look inward. This first took recognition and second, action to look inward. 

       As I sat there trying to tell myself the positive truth, I found it tricky, but also felt comfort that I could control this and change my way of thinking. 

       Fast forward three weeks later, I’m doing a heck of a lot better giving myself validation! I’m feeling proud of the things I’m accomplishing. I’m able to feel and acknowledge my accomplishments and I’m much kinder to myself. I don’t take others reactions as personally. I’m feeling more confident in my abilities because I’m not as worried about what others think of my choices. It feels more freeing. I truly felt at first that I needed validation from others. I feared the idea of looking inward, rather than outward. I’m starting to recognize how powerful my thoughts are and just because you react one way doesn’t mean you have to continue in that path. It’s very freeing. If you find yourself in a similar situation, try this for yourself. All it takes is jumping into the unknown, one little step at a time. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.13.21

Practicing Faith in the Unknown

       My husband and I are venturing into unknown territory with something big in our lives. It is a risk and the future is totally unknown. It is something I am passionate and excited about and I want it to succeed incredibly bad. This opportunity will provide more time with our kids and allow us to live in a way that we choose. I can get scared and become doubtful because I have no control over the future, just the present moment. I question if I am doing the right things, am I enough, or is this whole dream of mine just a dream?      

       I was reminded today that I do not need to worry, if I trust the guidance of God and his Holy Spirit. The Spirit will help me feel the things that I should do. If I trust Him and the promptings from above I cannot fail. I have to remember that my dream may not be the dream that is best for me, even if I think it is. 

       I am grateful for the opportunity to follow my dream. I believe that as I pray on my knees each morning, with an open heart and mind, I can be directed to do what is best for me and for our family. Practicing this type of faith takes diligence, patience, and letting go of control. I can guarantee that what God has in store for us will far exceed anything we could imagine. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.12.21

Life has Challenges

       Throughout my life, I’ve faced a wide variety of challenges. Some challenges are of our own design while others are a natural product of life. By this I mean that it’s healthy to distinguish between the real source of our challenges.

When I was in school I had so many life choices, each day. Choices that would determine the shape of my future. School is difficult. But it’s certainly a self-imposed challenge. Similarly, poor life choices can put me in another type of self imposed challenge. Mistakes can really hold you back. Sometimes they can stagnate your progress for months or even years. While these various circumstances can all be hard, knowing that they are a function of our choices can help us to compartmentalize and overcome.

The other category of challenges is the kind that is just part of this imperfect life. These are so varied and can be particularly hard. Accidents, illness and loss of a loved one are just a few of the hard times that can quickly come upon us. It’s never fair and sometimes the “when it rains, it pours” phrase can be brutally real. I find these challenges uniquely difficult. The undeserved nature of it can make you question life and God’s involvement in the grand scheme.

I’ve been through some of these, we all have. We’ve survived, even though there were times that I wasn’t certain how I would come out on the other side, I did. Whether I can see the silver lining or not, I fully believe that no matter how hard it is to understand these trials, at some future point in time the Creator will make His plan clear. That clarity may only come in the next life.

-The Flower Fanatic

12.11.21

Change

       I’m typically not a goal setter, at least not in the traditional sense. Nothing about me is all that formal. I do however believe that it’s good to push yourself to accomplish new things. I believe that in order to grow, you often have to step into the unknown. This is an uncomfortable place. It can even be fear-producing. 

       Over the course of my life I have set and achieved many goals. Like anyone, I’ve also abandoned a few along the way. Through it all I’ve learned that change is an inevitable part of life. You have two choices, as I see it, when it comes to the prospect of change. You can choose to resist it, pushing back against anything that risks disturbing the status quo of your current lifestyle, or you can embrace change as an inevitable reality of life. 

       It sounds easier than it is. It really does. Knowing that change is constant, and embracing change are not really the same thing. If you allow yourself to embrace change, it requires the self-reassurance of saying to yourself, “I can do this; I can do new things; I will be okay.”

       Whether we want to admit it or not, change comes to us all. Some good, some bad. Sometimes it’s new and exciting, other times it can be painful and hard to endure. Knowing the ever-changing nature of life gives it a certain richness. It’s a desire to savory the good times and store up skills to face the challenges ahead. This is why I say, “Enjoy today, tomorrow will be different.”

-The Flower Fanatic

12.10.21

Children and Confidence

        I’m grateful to be a mom. Although, it is challenging and emotionally draining at times, it is also very rewarding and adds purpose to my life.

       I cherish being around my kids and feeling their unconditional love. I don’t ever feel like I have to prove anything with them. I can be myself, with imperfections, and I know they will see me the same, without judgement. I don’t ever put pressure on myself to be a certain way around them. It is freeing. 

       Children can teach you a great deal about confidence. As I was sitting in a car today, next to a precious little girl, full of content, I started singing song. She starting laughing hysterically and telling me I was so funny. She didn’t feel uncomfortable with my terrible voice. She could just sit back and enjoy the moment, without having to sing herself. She appreciated the vulnerability and made me feel loved. 

       Each day my kids live in the present moment. They live in the moment with trust.  I see them around their friends and they don’t worry about what others are thinking. They don’t speak poorly of anyone, ever! They let themselves feel emotions, appropriate for the situations they are in, and move on. They don’t worry and second guess themselves. They try new things and don’t over-analyze the situation. They have things they are afraid of and things that make them uncomfortable, but they don’t beat up on themselves. I love my children’s example of confidence because I learn from them. They teach me many things I couldn’t learn without them. They may never fully know how deeply their examples enrich my life. 

-The Flower Fanatic

12.9.21

Tender Mercies

       Almost ten years ago, I was in a constant battle with anxiety and depression.  This was the point in my life when the struggle was most severe.  Every waking moment was hard. I felt depersonalized from the world and was struggling with severe panic attacks. Thankfully, I do not allow myself to have panic attacks anymore and have not experienced one for nine years now. That was the hardest time of my life. 

       During these panic attacks, I felt like I needed to run away. One day, I went for a walk to try to get myself through one of these awful attacks. I was praying for help, as I often did, to survive the pain. It was humbling. I often forget the past, but a portion of this experience is very vividly recorded in my mind. Remembering something from nine years ago, with such detail, really means something.

       As I was walking home, I experienced something remarkable. A most beautiful and perfect dove flew near. I watched in disbelief as it landed directly in my path, not more than one step from were I stood. Time froze and I knew in that very moment, God was showing me that he loved me and that I was important to Him. Doves have always been symbolic to me. To me they are a symbol from heaven. He sent one to me, to interrupt my torment, and to let me know I was not alone. I call this a tender mercy. I know he lets me struggle. Struggle is such a huge part of growth. But in my struggle, he never leaves me. I am grateful for tender mercies because this feeling of love is far better than anything this world can provide and it is a reminder that I can get through anything.  

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.8.21

It’s Never Too Late

       I was reading a journal entry today from an Instagram account. One particular part of this entry stood out to me. It talked about a man who struggled with alcohol and nicotine. This man stated that after struggling for more than two decades of use, he finally conquered the addiction. Looking back he felt shame for the weakness but had learned to convert the still-present appetite into power.

       I contemplated the part where it talks about how he was addicted for over twenty years. That is a long time. It made me think of my journey. It feels like it’s been a long time for me to conquer my demons and struggles. Although, I have conquered many along the way.  I look at this man, and realize I have not struggled for as long as he. If I were in his shoes, I might want to give up hope and surrender to the addiction. But, he didn’t stop trying. 

        After many failures along the way, he was able to conquer his addiction and realize, although his appetite was still strong, his inner strength was greater than his appetite. I’m grateful for this message of hope. 

       My hope is that if you feel like it’s been too long, with whatever it is you’re struggling with, it’s not too late. I’m sure this man had moments where he felt that overcoming his addiction was impossible, but he didn’t give up. No matter the setback or failure, continue to grow and try. You never know when you will discover the inner strength that is an inherent part of you.  

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.7.21

Laughter

       Today I made a holiday evergreen wreath for my front door while my husband filmed it. YouTube is a fun outlet for me. I used ponderosa pine that I got from a neighbor who was cutting down a tree. 

       I am learning that things rarely go as I imagine in my head. Making a wreath for YouTube was no different. I ran out of wire, the camera kept going dead, and my hands became so cold it was hard to assemble.   

       I have been working incredibly hard on my attitude lately and changing how I would normally respond in these situations.    

       Anyway, I made the decision to be patient with this process. I practiced letting whatever happened, happen, without rushing. I tried to enjoy the moment, see the positive, and let go of control. 

       By the time I got to the point of hanging the wreath, I was feeling great. I was not frustrated or impatient. I was not worrying. I was living in the moment. At one point, my husband was filming on such a weird angle, similar to a kid standing on a carousel ride with his arms out. This imagery made me laugh so hard my stomach was hurting. 

       To me this was a small miracle in my life. I cannot remembering laughing so hard before. I felt proud of myself, happy, and was incredibly grateful to experience that moment with my husband. He even started laughing. It sure beats feeling anxious. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.6.21

I am my Actions, Not my Thoughts

       I recently re-read an affirmation and have been repeating it in my head quite frequently. It’s from the most amazing cognitive therapy program from StressCenter.com. It’s a program for attacking anxiety and depression. Lucinda Basset is the founder and one of my heroes. I’m forever grateful to her for developing this insightful program. In the program, came a bookmark affirmation that states “we are not our thoughts, we are our actions.” For awhile I had been telling myself this affirmation and not getting much out of it. 

       I was sitting in the bath this morning and once again that affirmation popped into my mind, but this time I internalized it so differently. I realized I was looking at it so wrong. This was an enlightenment moment. I was thinking that I needed to change my actions, rather than recognizing my actions, despite what my thoughts are telling me.  

       For example, I went to my son’s school today to see how he was doing. This morning he mentioned his stomach was bothering him. I told him, after I dropped him off, that I would stop in later in the day to see if he needed to come home. I went to check on him. I got him out of class and he came to me with a big smile. I acted on what I had told him I was going to do. My actions demonstrated that I was being a good mom in that moment. Simultaneously, negative thoughts could have told me that I wasn’t a good mom. I am my actions not those negative thoughts. 

       It takes work and effort to separate yourself from the negative thoughts that can exist. It took many times repeating this affirmation, to get something out of it… but eventually I got to the truth.

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.5.21

Mental Gossip

       Worrying about what other people think sucks. It takes away joy, confidence, freedom, and seeing things about myself truthfully. It can feel very limiting. Can I let go of worrying about what people think? Absolutely. It means jumping into the unknown and trusting that I can give myself what I need and still love myself, despite the possibility that people may not like me. That’s scary for me.  Can I handle it? Can I handle rejection and not being liked? Can I actually give myself the validation I need, that I thought I needed from others?  These are a few of the things that can hold me back from letting go. 

       I know logically, worrying about what other people think is stupid. I can’t control what others think of me, even though I try. My husband called it “mental gossip” and it’s so true. Controlling what others think of me in social settings, is coming up with hearsay stories in my head that may or may not be true. It’s giving me a false sense of security that only results in making me feel bad. In truth, it all comes down to the way I perceive myself not how others perceive me. 

       This has been one of the more difficult barriers for me to navigate. I know that I will break though this barrier. It’s within me. When I do, I will be free, authentic, and okay with being imperfect. I will care a whole lot less about what other people think, and ironically probably come to see myself as others saw me all along. 🙂  

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.4.21

Truth: whether I believe it or not

       I had an amazing conversation with my husband tonight. I struggle seeing myself truthfully at times. I was talking to him about my struggle to believe the things I tell myself. I can tell myself all these things and I don’t believe them. It’s so darn frustrating. I can’t see myself as others see me. 

        My husband is the best counselor, by the way. He is far better than anyone I have ever talked too. I thanked him for being the best therapist I know. 

Basically he told me that I can choose to believe the facts about my reality, or not. It doesn’t change the reality or facts about who I am. It just is. He compared it to a piece of wood. He said that a piece of wood can think it’s a stone, puddle, or something else. Whatever it chooses to believe about itself won’t change the fact that it’s a piece of wood. 

       I like this perspective because I can get so caught up in the mindset that if I just start believing these things, then everything will change. But the reality is this, there is nothing to believe.  There are certain truths that will never change . I am who I am and that’s enough whether I believe it or not. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.3.21

Self-limiting Ideologies

       In the past month or two I have been growing a lot. I’ve been challenging myself in ways that have questioned some of my thinking patterns and ideologies. In the process, I have discovered many things about myself . 

       I had no idea I was self-limiting. Setting rules for myself and things that I think aren’t okay for me to do. There are obvious things that I should and shouldn't , but I’m not talking about those types of things. I’m talking about small decisions and basic thoughts that don’t change who I am. Choices that keep me from reaching my potential and damage my self esteem. I’m learning that these self-limitations are only coming from within. They aren’t coming from God, my family, or my friends. 

       I know God has told me I have limitless potential. He wants more for me than I can comprehend. He wants me to be happy. I’m starting to realize that its okay for me to pursue my dreams. That I can have a lifestyle that’s better for our family, and that the only person keeping me from feeling the way I would like or going after the things that I want, is me. I can’t wait to see where I am in a year from now. Knowledge is power. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.2.21

God Works in Mysterious Ways

       For the past couple weeks I have been thinking about how I could make a garland around my front porch. This would require nearly 40 feet of garland. I love the ones as Costco, but to buy 40 feet worth would have cost money and my budget for garland is non-existent. 

       I was talking to my husband this morning about how can I come up with ideas or projects without the money to do it. I was thinking it’s pretty tricky, but possible, and just takes more creativity.  

       Anyway, I was on my way to drop off my sons to school this morning, I take the same route every single day. Today it was busier than normal. I pulled over on the side to check my phone and get out of everyone’s way. I then turned into a neighborhood to circle around and come back when some of the drop off cars were gone. To my surprise, there was a house that had cut down a very large evergreen tree. A Ponderosa Pine tree. I couldn’t believe it. I knocked on the ladies door to see if I could use some of it. I was seeing my garland dream beginning to take shape. She said I should go for it because they were just taking it to the green waste. Whatever I took would be less debris that they would have to worry about. 

       I know that this wasn’t coincidental. I don’t believe in that. It was a reminder to me that God works in mysteries ways. He can make things happen when I cannot see them for myself. I’m so grateful for this experience. God always seems to surprise me when I least expect it. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

12.1.21

Mental Health Day

       Changing thoughts can be hard! Today I told myself I was going to have a mental health day. A day where I do nothing. I had so many expectations about relaxing, that I didn’t relax at all. The more I couldn’t relax, the more anxious I was feeling. I went into this “mental health day” testing myself. I was checking in to see if I was doing a good job relaxing. Sounds relaxing right? Well, sure enough I did anything but relax. My perfectionism creeped in and I didn’t even realize it until I was too exhausted from trying to relax. I’m laughing as I’m writing this because it sounds so ridiculous. It is so ridiculous. The fact that I can see this is ridiculous is a good step forward. I’ll try again tomorrow, but rather than testing myself, I will focus on giving myself permission to take a mental health day because after today, I’m going to need another one. 😆

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.30.21

Expectations

       I have been working on my expectations lately. This is one of the hardest things for me.  A catchy phrase that often comes to my mind is, “don’t should on yourself.” I also call it another word, but I don’t like to swear or at least I try not too. 🤭

       I didn’t realize that I had developed a habit of placing so many “shoulds” on myself. These are often very unrealistic and in some cases they are impossible. Who could live up to that extreme expectation? Nobody. When I inevitably fall short, it makes me feel bad because it keeps me from recognizing the many positive things I do. It robs me of present moment living. I know these expectations I put on myself are unreasonable and set me up for repeated disappointment. I’m grateful this is something I can work on. Acknowledging this thinking pattern is the first step. I know as I learn to become more realistic in my expectations for myself, and the world around me, my anxiety and stress will be greatly reduced.

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.29.21

Hard Days Pass

        Some days are painful. I can’t even explain why some days are easier than other days. Maybe I temporarily forget that I’m a strong person. Maybe I’m afraid of happiness. Maybe I don’t fully believe that lasting peace is possible or that I deserve it. 

        I do know that these harder days make me rely on something greater than myself. These are the days that I have a harder time seeing the light that always exists. I know that darker days help me to have more appreciation for the lighter days, when they do come. I know that when I’m having, what feels like, an all consuming day of relentless unsettling feelings, it can feel as though I have always felt that way. That maybe I’ve never known relief. But I know logically this isn’t true. One bad day, doesn’t mean the next day isn’t going to be great. Sometimes you just have to surrender control. I know that when I get to this point, respite eventually follows. 

       These are also the days where I tend to learn something necessary for my growth and happiness. Life can be really hard, but I know these hard times always pass. Tomorrow is a new day; thank heavens! Trying again, after a difficult day, is no easy task. It’s a demonstration of your strength. Hang on! There is always light after darkness. The night is coldest just before sunrise. God knows you! He is aware of you and knows exactly how to succor you. His love is without limitations. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.28.21

One Percent Better

      Today, as I was sitting in my weekly church service, one of the speakers was talking about what has been called “the 1 percent rule.” This principle comes from the Author James Clear. He said if we can just focus on improving ourselves 1 percent each day, that in one year we will be 37 times better than where we started. 

     I like this simple lesson of constant marginal improvement. I think this is especially great for those of us who tend to struggle with anxiety, addictive tendencies, or those of us who are dealing with negative habits. These various circumstances can feel incredibly challenging or even impossible to overcome. 

     One percent is small and manageable. For me, it allows me to accept myself for where I am in each moment, while still making small improvements that I can be proud of. Each day, I will be able to recognize the progress in my thinking. “…by small and simple things are great things brought to pass;” Alma 37:6. 

    Remember, these little changes are an act of faith, which will lead to overcoming obstacles. Even obstacles that may seem impossible to overcome. I thought I lacked the faith to overcome my anxiety disorder, but I am realizing I lacked diligence and effort. I was overlooking the little things. It takes determination and effort each day. I’m realizing change is possible. It gets easier with time.  I’m worth the effort, and so are you! 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.27.21

One of a Kind

       Yesterday night my teenage son had a group of friends over for a hangout. There were four girls and four boys, not including my son. As they started rolling in my husband suggested that we should play a game called celebrity. It’s a simple game, doesn’t require any cards, just a big group to gather around in a living room together. 

       Normally my son and his group of friends hangout downstairs and we don’t see much of them. We just check on them occasionally to make sure everything is okay. This time was different. My husband, me, and my kids were all participating in this interactive game with the teeny boppers. 

       As the game went on, I became more focused on the uniqueness of each teenager. I sat there admiring how each one of them had different personalities, different styles, and different experiences. The thought that came to my mind was the realization that they are truly ALL one of a kind. Every single person in this setting was precious and unique. Each one of them brought great value to the group. 

        I didn’t look at them in a worldly sense, but as children of God. They were created by a God who doesn’t make mistakes. He created us exactly how He intended us to be. If you’re struggling with understanding your value, or don’t recognize your worth, remember the person who loves you more than you can even comprehend, sees you as His precious child. He created you and you are his beautiful masterpiece, simply because you exist. Your worth was determined long before you ever came to this earth. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.26.21

Positive/Negative Thinking Paradox

An odd phenomenon exists in my mind. I believe that many have felt this before, in one way or another. It’s a conflicting balance between Positive Thinking and triggering habitual negative thoughts. I know that sounds confusing, so let me explain it with an analogy. If I were asked to run a 100 yard dash in a track meet, I’d be required to stay in my assigned lane. This is a simple task for sure. I may not run the fastest, but I’m certain I can stay within the lines.

  Now let’s change the perspective to one framed in fear and uncertainty. Image that the straight track of 100 yards is now all that remains. No grass to my left, no crowd to my right. No additional lanes. Just one lane, perched high in the air. Two steps to the right and you will fall, the same to your left. NOW, the once simple task of staying in your lane and maintaining any speed would be a frightening thought. One that is sure to be overwhelmed by doubt.

Positive thinking can feel this way at times. There are moments of simplicity, when it’s second nature to feel positive about myself and my circumstances. Then, all at once, the backdrop can change. All my comforts can disappear and I’m left doubting and slipping back toward negative thoughts.

I know the task is relatively simple under ideal circumstances. But sometimes the most simple truths can be hard to grasp and even harder to maintain.

To this I say, “Don’t look down.” Sliding backward can be so easily trigger by realizing your own progress. IF you do falter, allow yourself to be imperfect, offer some positive affirmations, pick yourself back up, fix your eyes on your positive truths and press forward! You can do it.

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.25.21

Gratitude

Since it’s Thanksgiving today, gratitude has been on my mind. I happen to enjoy Thanksgiving. I love that it’s a fairly simple holiday. You get together with family and eat food. 

When I got into my car to drive to my in-law’s home, my kids were piled with pies, rolls, and smoked turkey all over there laps. In that moment, I felt incredibly grateful for my abundant life. I felt like I had everything I needed. I was full of love and peace. I was grateful for this moment. 

I’m grateful for the dinner today and for the people I got to be around. They are filled with love, connection,  and emotional health. I’m grateful I wasn’t sitting in immense anxiety. I’m grateful for these little moments because they are a reminder of how far I have come; how much I have healed in my own emotional health journey.

I can’t help, but think of those of you who are struggling deeply in mental health issues or other trying times. Holidays can be extra hard. Give yourself permission to not feel grateful. It’s okay. Nothing is wrong with you. For me, I know hard times do pass and feelings of gratitude will come. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than expected. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.24.21

Only God knows the Future

        I can be a control freak. Living in the present, rather than the future or past is something I have to practice diligently. Of all the feelings I experience in life, fear is my least favorite. Once fear consumes me, I have to work extra hard to be in the moment. Unfortunately, I’ve let it be a part of my life far too often.

As of late though, my life has been more present moment. I haven’t felt fear nearly as often and partly I attribute it to something I read about recently in my scriptures. It talked about how God knows the beginning from the end. God is the only person who can see my future. I trust that He knows my future, even though to me, it’s obscure.

Every time fear starts to consume me, I tell myself that God knows my future and He only wants what’s best for me. I’m starting to believe it. I can honestly say that I have felt much peace in this. I’m letting go of control, little by little. It feels different. I tend to feel a lot of anxiety with big changes and an unknown future, but this time I have been able to let go of trying to control the future because of my greater trust. There is more peace and I feel I’m getting stronger. Its a great feeling.

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.23.21

Validation

        I googled the definition of validation. I like this version the best “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.” I like validation from my husband and other people. Actually, I know I put too much emphasis on what others think of me and this can affect the way I view and feel about myself. 

       Honestly, this is a pretty new concept to me, and I feel kind of dumb saying this because it seems like common sense. Do I need validation from others to be happy?  Can I give it to myself?  I haven’t spent enough time learning to give validation to myself. Although external validation feels good, it can’t replace the validation I give to myself. Depending on others for this intrinsic need will limit my ability to love myself.

     I have been practicing this over the past week. I have had to stop myself many times ( I didn’t realize I did this so much)  from looking outward for this validation. I took my journal and wrote down the positive validation, not relying on anyone else. The results are real and amazing. I have felt more confident, free, and proud of the things I accomplish. It’s a different feeling, one I’m not quite use too. I’m less affected by others opinions. I do catch myself wanting to revert back (quite frequently) to being the old way because its comfortable and habitual. It takes practice and effort to look inward rather than outward; but it feels a whole lot better and is one essential step toward discovering self-love. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.22.21

Self-Acceptance

        A few nights ago I was lying in bed, frustrated. I was discouraged because I have been working so hard to control my negative thoughts and nothing seemed to be working. I was full of anxiety and I broke down.

I confided in my husband and he told me I needed to be more loving and positive to myself. He started pointing out my positives, and I immediately started to feel a lot better! In this moment, I was enlightened. 

I was looking at everything so wrong. I was trying to change who I am, instead of focusing on changing my negative thoughts about myself. I realized I need to focus more on learning to accept myself, rather than change myself. This feels so much better. I don’t have to be perfect. I never will be. Everyday, I can grow, but learning to give myself love and compassion is most important. 

This new mindset has helped me immensely. I have felt better; I recognize more of the positive and I am learning to not beat up on myself. Learning to be my best friend is a new concept for me, it feels kind of weird, but it is key to self-acceptance. Once I discover this truth, nobody can take it away from me. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.21.21

The Oak Tree: By Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the Oak Tree’s leaves away.

Then snapped its boughs

and pulled its bark

until the Oak was tired and stark.

But still the Oak Tree held its ground

while other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

“How can you still be standing Oak?”

The Oak Tree said, I know that you 

can break each branch of mine in two,

carry every leaf away,

shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

growing stronger since my birth.

You’ll never touch them, for you see

they are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn’t sure

of just how much I could endure.

But now I’ve found with thanks to you,

I’m stronger than I ever knew. 

I heard this poem one day and it really touched me. I’d never heard it before and wanted to share it with you.

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.20.21

Facing My Fear of Failure

      Almost 5 years ago, I watched a woman on youtube that had a gardening channel. She is an amazing person and an exceptional gardener. She is living her dreams of making a living, while doing what she loves. When I first saw this I was envious, I wished that I had what she had. I never thought that living my dream could be a possibility; that I could try something like that.

      Well, it's five years later and this possibility opened up. I love flowers and I want for it to be more than a hobby. My husband is all in and very supportive. At the same time it has been more anxiety producing than I would have ever thought. I’m going after it and with that has come intense feelings of doubt, feeling like I’m not good enough, not believing that I’m capable. What if I go after it and in the end it doesn’t work out? Can I handle the failure? It is providing me an opportunity to face my fear of failure, a fear I never really knew I had. I can’t overcome it, if I don’t face it. 

     I know that if I don’t go after it; if I never try, I will live to regret it. Regret can hold within it a form of self-hate. Just as trying something knew builds confidence, resisting the unknown can generate a lack of confidence. No matter what happens, I know I will learn and grow. I’m discovering that there is no such thing as failure. Not trying is truly the only failure that exists. In the end, I’m still the same person and it’s a step forward in discovering what truly makes me happy! 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.19.21

Forgiveness

       Volleyball has always been a sport that brings me joy. I play in a fall league with a diverse group of awesome women. A few days ago, I was on my way to play in one of my volleyball games. I was alone, the car was quiet, and I had some time to clear my mind and think without any distractions. Out of nowhere I was hit with some inspiration to write a forgiveness journal to myself. This was so unexpected and not something that had ever crossed my mind. 

     As I pondered this guidance from above, I started to realize the wisdom I had just received. I have been holding onto remorse and regret for the anxiety I have had in my life. I feel like I have missed out on joy and present moment living with my kids, despite that, I do know that I have been a good mother. I’m holding onto this guilt and its keeping me from moving forward and healing. Whether, I’m ready or not, I’m going to write a forgiveness journal to myself tonight, recognize the truth, and learn to be a better friend to myself. I encourage you to do the same. 

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.18.21

Humor

                   I remember a time, not so long ago, when I told my husband that I was done buying flowers for the year. I say that far too often, and it's never true. I had spent a lot of money on flowers already and he is always so patient with my flower addiction. In my defense, I very rarely spend money on anything else. 

One day I was having strong temptations to go buy some flowers. I drove to a nursery, while my husband was out of the house.  I was coming up with strategies on how I could have my local neighbors hold the plants, or plotting ideas on how I could get them in the ground without him noticing. 

Although, I knew it wasn’t a great idea to buy flowers, I ended up spending nearly $200. On my way home I got pulled over by a police officer. In my haste to get on with my plan, I had unintentionally committed a small driving infraction. I prayed that the officer would let me off with a warning. I immediately made him aware of my strained financial situation. A fact that he likely found odd as he could clearly see the recently purchased plants in the back of my car. Fortunately my prayers were answered and I didn’t get a ticket. But the universe provided me the opportunity to make things right. I knew that I needed to return the plants. I did the walk of shame, returning ten minutes later to my local nursery! They returned all my plants and I survived the embarrassment. ☺️😌

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.17.21

The Unknown

     Yesterday I was babysitting two cute little 3 year olds. My daughter was in the room playing with them. She started throwing pillows and blankets on the floor, making a huge pile below the bunkbed. This was to make a landing spot for the little kids to jump, from a perch on top, to the pillows and blankets mounded below. I checked in to supervise their wild idea and to make sure that they would not get hurt. 

     The little boy quickly got himself to the top jumping-off point, looked down, and without a further thought, he dove right in. He’s a little daredevil. The little girl started climbing up the ladder while holding my hand and asking for my help. She was clearly very nervous. She wanted to jump, but had her reasons to be hesitant. I encouragingly told her she could do it. I said, “You can break through your fear because you are brave. You will be okay. You’ll be proud of yourself.”  She finally got to the top and looked down. The balance between desire and doubt were weighing in her little mind. She told herself numerous times, “I can do it.” Several times she nearly jumped but shrunk back from the edge because the fear would take over. The anticipation kept building inside her and her expression changed. And then, all at once, she jumped! She broke through the barrier of fear and on the other side was joy, laughter, and confidence! This child’s reaction after breaking through the unknown was priceless! 

    This experience may seem somewhat insignificant, but I realized a similarity in my own life. I was able to draw deeper meaning. I remembered that in my own moments of uncertainty and doubt, when my desire is there but fear is holding me back, God is with me. He is like the supporters in our lives cheering us on. He is Always with us. He guides me to jump into an unknown. It still might be scary but in His strength I can do all things. Doing so brings me immense Peace and Joy. As always, the choice is up to me.

 -The Flower Fanatic

11.16.21

Faith

      I was in church recently and one of the speakers was talking about Emotional Resilience. This phrase really resonated with me. I have always looked at myself as somebody who is trying to overcome her anxiety disorder. We all experience anxiety in our lives, some more severe than others. 

    As I listened about Emotional Resilience, I found overcoming anxiety and developing emotional resilience to be similar, just worded differently. I like this spiritual definition of Emotional Resilience- “The courage to adapt to emotional challenges with Faith centered in Jesus Christ.”  The Non-spiritual definition would read- “one’s ability to adapt to stressful situations or crises.” 

As I try to develop my Emotional Resilience, I know it starts with Faith- complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Faith requires action. If you have not noticed, I’m a very spiritual person who loves God and His Son. I trust Them. I know They are mindful of me. I believe Faith precedes miracles. I believe choosing to act in Faith each day will increase my Faith. 

   Whether you are spiritual or not, we can all develop this trait of Emotional Resilience. For me it starts with Faith.    

-The Flower Fanatic

11.15.21

Emotional Resilience

It’s more than strength alone. It includes an element of preparation, of storing up for the future and whatever that might hold. Today, take a moment to build your stores by clearing your mind, recognizing that today is a blessing in and of itself, and by writing in your journal three simple things that you are grateful for…

… my three are

first, the change of seasons which offers me, among some many other blessings, the period of rest and anticipation of coming beauty

second, my sight. Something I rely on and enjoy day and night but so often overlook.

and third, my hands. With them I can create, nurture and serve with ease IF I’m willing to provide the effort.

Gratitude can combat any of the emotional foes.

-The Flower Fanatic